hello beautiful people ~ I feel as though I haven’t given a proper update for a while and have just been blogging little snippets of everything. Forgive me if I do on.
The other day one of my colleagues said that I am very ‘British’ in the sense that I’m quite traditional, like to celebrate our holidays, like tea parties and to entertain and love our countryside and National Trust/English Heritage and probably have a more British accent than some (one of the things I detest about myself) but I didn’t take any of this into offense like I usually would have. I think it’s because she was giving me something to live up too, like ‘Hannah you’re like this and you enjoy that and it’s good’ rather than ‘Hannah you’re so bloody British haha it’s hilarious’
I have been very up and down over the last week or so. My depression hasn’t been great, bad thoughts about myself, my life etc. (i.e. am I even worth living for) as well as many panic attacks and constant crying. I’ve not been sleeping well at all and my eating still isn’t great. I’m really trying to push myself to eat but all that’s made me do is eat and buy stronger laxatives to use.
Mum really isn’t helping by her alcohol problem. This week she’s not been horrible at all – more just not there. I don’t feel as though I really have a mum. Not properly, anyway. I don’t feel loved by my mum or step-dad. All I seem to worry about now is my brother and pets while I’m at home. Worrying that if I leave, what will happen to them??
I will be 21 in November and Alex (my brother) will be 18 the day after me – I really want things to pick up for us by then. I don’t want him to have any issues like me or need help like I have later in his life, but can I prevent this?
I’ll admit I have been very stressed lately due to me doing my bedroom up which has been costing me a fair bit (but all worth it hopefully) and I suppose just life in general. I’m doing extra CPD at work which is compulsory and have a maths exam shortly this month otherwise I can’t carry on with my veterinary nursing. And then there is that – becoming a student again!! I have so much to do and think about in such a small amount of time and I’m not in the right mindset at all.
Why cant I go back to being in nursary when I didn’t know what life was then except from Rosie & Jim, Tot’s TV and sand pits.
I’m such a terrible girl to be with, I’m sure. Depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and a lot of generally messed up shit. I can’t cope.
I don’t feel as though I consider my boyfriend’s feelings and side of things enough. He sees the bulk of the issue and I just push it all his way because I’m angry and am just a bad girlfriend in general. I’m not angry at him. He’s done nothing wrong. It’s just because he is there and I am a bitch.
I hate lying to him but I feel like I have too. If I continue to text him the same grumpy, moody, depressing shit all day everyday and give him grief over nothing.. it’s just gonna drive him crazy. And I don’t want that for him.
I’m texting him as though I am happy. I’m actually pretending to be okay. He knows I’m not but I’m just pretending to be having one of my ‘good’ days when in fact I just want to abuse myself by taking laxatives and other things. The less he knows, the better I think. He still just doesn’t get it. I know he tries – but he tells me to ‘relax’ ‘put a film on’ ‘do something you enjoy doing’.. well.. with depression that’s pretty bloody hard to do – let alone even find the motivation to even consider to do.
I know he means well. I love him. I’m so in love with him and that is the only real feeling I know at the moment. But I am pushing him away just for the sake of it now. I’m so ridiculous but I don’t want this for him.
I love the cover version of ‘Little Things Mean A Lot – Kitty Kallen’ by Little Shoes Big Voice.
It’s such a sweet and happy song that does succeed in lifting my spirits during one of my low spells (a lot of bad ones recently)
I do have a lot to say and feel as though it would help to blog it but I feel in no mood too. I can’t really be bothered which isn’t like me, but I feel completely drained from a week of crying and panic attacks and feeling like I’m crumbling.
I leave you you with a sweet, little song for the night and hope it cheers ya’ll up too.
I don’t feel as though I’ve been posting as much recently but here’s a quick update.
I’ve been feeling a little hopeful today. I looked around at the girls I knew I was jealous of on the train and instead of feeling pure envy, I just hoped that I would be able to live up to their beauty and style pretty soon. I felt alright at work as was nursing two dogs and generally was busy until the end. I text my boyfriend to say that I’d like to go to Starbucks to grab a hot chocolate. I was even considering eating chicken stir-fry for dinner. I was absolutely fine getting into the car. He mentioned that we would be watching ‘Lets be Cops’ tonight. So I decided to google it. big mistake.
Seeing that the cast list included Nina Dobrev put me off all chance of consumption I had tonight. I’m jealous of her in the Vampire Diaries, but my boyfriend doesn’t watch that. The very though of watching this film with him and his flat mate immediately made me want to cry. She’s so perfect and sexy – how can I compete with that!?
I really do not want to sit there knowing that they will be gorping at her, and I’ll just be sitting there being all fat and ugly.
All positivity I had for tonight has instantly gone.
trying to stay positive hasn’t been easy for the last week or so. I’ve been having more thoughts about suicide – not in myself (necessarily) but just in general; About how it works and how your mind tricks you into thinking that’s how life would be better off.
surprise surprise – I’ve gained MORE weight. I’m at this weird stage with my ED that I’m now eating to spite my body. Like saying ‘there you go; that’s what you want. have it. it’s not like my image is going to ever improve anyway. so let’s just get fatter’
But I am still hating myself for it. I am still restricting and punishing. I have just let the depression come out a little more so the ED can take a step back and think about what it’s done. I hate them really. But I also don’t want too.
I probably enjoy feeling like crap. Because if I feel happy, it’s shortly ruined anyway.
the picture of today’s post is a card that was written to the practice. (For those who don’t know, I am a qualified Animal Nursing Assistant (you may sometimes see me refer to myself as an ANA – not to be confused with the term used for pro-ana)) but anyway, I found that the words written were very sweet. I do remember working with the clients and their elderly cat, so it was a sad decision for them to have to make and a sad case I had to be involved in.
Never-the-Less ~ I am trying to hold onto the little piece of positivity that says my work and my ‘nice, normal side’ is recognised. That not everyone does have to see the messed up side of me. That, when I work with my clients and their pets – they just see Hannah, QANA.
so that’s something to hold onto for a while.
When you know you have an ED, it feels a lot harder to actually get on with it as to when you didn’t know. When you didn’t know, and you just thought that your weird behaviour around food was because you were feeling tired or under the weather, life carried on as normal.
Since knowing the struggles I seem to enjoy putting my body through to stay thin and beautiful (when I can even call myself beautiful) I feel like I can’t keep any consistency to my ED. I go through fazes of happily starving myself, feeling weak and light and bony but liking that feeling. And then I go through fazes of binging and purging/abusing laxatives or just not getting rid of the food at all because I’m feeling spiteful and WANT to put on some weight just so I have more to loose.
I would quite happily go back to starving myself and eating just enough to keep myself going through the day, so I don’t have to feel shit about eating and acting out because of it. I want to stop the abusive behaviour but I can’t do that until I have learned to control myself and my body.
I want to stop failing. I want to be beautiful and feel beautiful, but this seems out of reach to me.