how do I get past this?

so yesterday took a turn for the worst (ish) with me and my illness. My small, suicidal thoughts that I thought were nothing suddenly lead me to try to overdose.

I found myself writing a goodbye letter to my boyfriend, taking as many tablets as I could find and swigging alcohol. I just wanted to die and I didn’t care.

What stopped me??

I told my boyfriend what I had done. He told my mum. She got angry. I panicked. I ran away and went to my dads. He called 111 (as I wasn’t too bad) and some paramedics came to check me out.

Because of what I had taken, it wasn’t enough to harm me therefore didn’t require A&E. But it did make cause for concern. This meant that now my dad, step mum and my local hospital were aware of my suicidal thoughts and intentions as well as my mum.

It’s all so messed up and I’m so confused.

I am staying with dad for a week or so as he feels it will be better for me, as does my boyfriend and grandparents. I suppose they’re right but I don’t know how long I want to be away from home for, despite everything that goes on over there.

I will have to face my mum at some point, and in these sorts of situations, we never see eye-to-eye. I will have to talk to my doctor, therapist, boyfriend and grandparents at some point too as well as get through my week of work without having to worry about everyone thinks of me, what is going on at home, how I will cope not being at home and being out of my normal routine.

How do I get over this? How do I come to terms with what I have done and what I have tried to do? How do I make my mum understand?

I feel so numb.

EDAW: Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2015

Mental Illness Talk

Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2015 starts tomorrow (23rd February) and runs until the 1st March.

A little bit of information:

Eating disorders can come in all shapes and sizes. The main eating disorders are anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). People can be underweight, a healthy weight or overweight and be struggling with a severe eating disorder and be physically very unwell with it.

Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses and over 1.6 million people in the UK are affected. They are not a phase, or a diet, they are serious psychiatric conditions. My psychiatrist describes them as both psychotic and delusional. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. One in five will die prematurely.

A little bit of hope:

Full recovery from an eating disorder is possible. The sooner someone gets the help and support they need…

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why can’t I be the way I want to be?

why are people telling me that I don’t need to lose weight. That I look ill and grey and unhealthy when I do. It’s more unhealthy for me to be unhappy with myself and force fingers down my throat and take laxatives and cut myself.

Because of the pressure I’m feeling to ‘get better’ im eating almost like I used too and I’m scared of going back into old eating habits. I don’t know how to be around food anymore so I’m just reacting badly every time I consume.

I was doing great when I went down to 44kg. I felt alive and happy. I still wanted to lose more but I was getting there.

Now I’m nearly back to my original weight and I’m so unhappy. I feel lifeless and the depression is worse. I feel fat and bloated and I have to hold in my stomach all the time. I feel out of breath – I can’t control my body anymore because too many people are stopping me from doing so.

Why won’t they just leave me alone and let me do what I want to do??

ED and depression in a relationship.

Firstly, I hope everyone is well and had a lovely Valentine’s weekend

I did have an okay-ish weekend. I worked in the morning which was busy and draining as we had to put two pets to sleep. Going home was kinda shit because mum is drinking again. We had plans to cook dinner for the family (myself, mum, step-dad, brother and my boyfriend) which I was dreading – fajitas (one of my favourites) as well as lots of pudding. I knew that my mood would be kinda crappy all night due to mum’s drinking. I had bought some wine for the table, which mum polished within seconds. My boyfriend sees how easily stressed I get with her which stresses him out. We both kinda went to bed in a silent mood, which was upsetting because he doesn’t deserve me in one of my bad days, ever!!

Anyway, the next day we had plans to go to Arundel (one of my favourite places) I wanted to make it a nice day because we both needed one. I was on and off with him all day – no reason – just my shitty depression taking over and me not having the audacity to sort it out. But I’d had a panic attack before we went out and cried a lot during the day too. Arundel is lovely. It’s so pretty and historic – we went into little shops and I put together a farm-shop-food hamper for my dad’s upcoming birthday. We even went into a brewey and did some wine tasting. We had a lovely walk around the lake and had some lunch in a cafe. I had soup and a small mocha which I really tried to finish without feeling guilty about. 

After a long day, we went back to mine but I instantly wanted to go back out to avoid mum. She wasn’t that bad, but I knew she was drinking. We took my dog for a walk before dinner. The wine we had bought when we were out was open by the time we got back. I was so pissed off with her. Firstly, it was rude. Secondly, she just can’t help herself!! I was so worked up that I wanted so badly up harm myself. The only was I knew I could do this without anyone getting suspicious was to eat shit loads of roast dinner and pudding and make myself vomit after. Which is what I did.

Oh boy what a stressful event.

My boyfriend broke into our bathroom to stop me. He found me in a heap of tears on the floor. He was angry, but I think seeing the pain on my face was enough to let it slide. He cuddled me despite me telling him to leave me. I wanted to continue. I was so determined to bring more food up. I did the unthinkable and went to make myself ill in front of him!! I’m such a cow. He instantly grabbed me back and held onto me with such love and passion that I just broke down again.

What he doesn’t know is that I tried to make myself sick while cleaning my teeth and I also took some laxatives before bed.

I know how much he loves me and I love him all the same. I hate putting him through this all the time. But I genuinly think that if anyone is going to save me from myself, then it will be him.

I am so lucky to have him.

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trying and barley succeeding

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I know that with depression it’s immensely difficult and near enough impossible sometimes to get some, if any, emotion out of that little organ inside our skulls. It’s one of the most important and intelligent parts of us, yet it suddenly decides that it wants us to have a mental illness and make us think and do all sorts.

Even with therapy and anti-depressants I still find it hard to push emotion and feelings out towards my life. It’s like.. I know it’s there.. but it’s just frozen at the moment. Near enough everything I do is done bluntly or with false enthusiasm. I’ll have the occasional moment where I’m actually enjoying myself.. the moment is real and I’m living it.. but I’ll snap back to feeling glum very quickly and everything around me is distant and unlivable.

I get upset when people think I’m just being ‘moody’ because that isn’t the case at all. I really struggle to feel proper emotion and anything that’s there just comes out as negativity. I don’t have the time to diffuse it.

I am just not myself at the moment.

lost confidence (again)

So I plucked up the courage to have dinner with my boyfriend after a whole day of contemplation. I made jacket potatoes, salad and tuna mayo – all things I felt happy to eat.

I asked my boyfiend if he wanted any toast with his dinner (as I wanted a small slice too) to which he replied ‘no, got too many calories on my plate as it is’ well.. I’m probably just overreacting. It was a harmless comment and he wasn’t thinking.

Needless to say I went straight upstairs to take some laxatives.

I just want to go and jog now.

Or eat and make myself vomit and take more laxatives.

fucking hell.