I thought that I had been doing quite well eating and mood wise. Yes, I still have depression and eating disorder behaviours, but I thought that I had been behaving better with it all. I was happier at home and being nicer to my boyfriend. Nothing quite ruins this mood like seeing your boufriend’s message list.. and seeing that he has recently spoken to another girl. Now I know I probably shouldn’t have jumped the gun so quickly but what else was I meant to do? Extreme concern and jealousy waved over me so I had to find out more. I am not proud that I went onto his private messages and had a look.. I don’t know what I was looking at really. He had sent her some pictures (which wouldn’t show up) that had reminded him of themselves ‘back in the day’ and a few comments later. I proceeded to ‘stalk’ her Facebook and couldn’t believe it.. how stunning she is. I HATED my boyfriend. I felt sick and wanted to cry. We have spoken about it a little.. he’s ‘reassured’ me that she was his best friend from school when he lived I. Wales. I just still can’t shake this feeling of jealousy and hate and despair that he may be up to things.. I felt like cutting last night.

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passion

I just want my boyfriend to grab me and kiss me. Put his hands on my cheek, pull me in and kiss me the minute he sees me. Or push me against a wall and lift me up, kiss my neck and make love to me. I miss the passion. I don’t feel it between […]

so I don’t know if this is all in my head or its all to do with my depression/ED etc. but I have these intense feelings that my boyfriend just isn’t attracted to me anymore. here’s why. 1. I have a mental illness 2. I’m hard on him 3. He gets the bulk of my […]

my illness A – Z

so I feel as though I have really neglected my blog recently. Truth is, I have had little to no enthusiasm to write down how I’m feeling/getting on etc.              Instead, I thought perhaps I would give an overview of my illness/feelings towards myself etc. in A – Z form […]

Dreaming ED

I had a dream the other night that I was living in a house of people my age, all with EDs. Some like mine and some not. Everything was a competition. Having an ED, like in real life, seemed like a competition. Who can do the best. Who can look the most malnourished and purge […]