I had a dream the other night that I was living in a house of people my age, all with EDs. Some like mine and some not.
Everything was a competition. Having an ED, like in real life, seemed like a competition. Who can do the best. Who can look the most malnourished and purge the most and exercise the most. Who can wear those super skinny jeans the best. Who can wear a UK Size 6-8 and it still be too big..
In my dream, everyone was bullying me and laughing at me for doing the worst. I wasn’t doing my ‘job’ as a young adult with an eating disorder. I was doing well.
Is that not meant to make me happy? Am I not meant to praise myself for having a positive dream about getting better and not caring about what others think?
Because truth is, I’m still not ready to get better. I don’t want to let go of my ED even though I know the strain it puts on my life. I want to hold onto the depression and let my brain and body crave the mental illness, just because.
I am tired and I wish I could answer my own questions and weird thoughts. But I can’t.