why can’t I be the way I want to be?

why are people telling me that I don’t need to lose weight. That I look ill and grey and unhealthy when I do. It’s more unhealthy for me to be unhappy with myself and force fingers down my throat and take laxatives and cut myself.

Because of the pressure I’m feeling to ‘get better’ im eating almost like I used too and I’m scared of going back into old eating habits. I don’t know how to be around food anymore so I’m just reacting badly every time I consume.

I was doing great when I went down to 44kg. I felt alive and happy. I still wanted to lose more but I was getting there.

Now I’m nearly back to my original weight and I’m so unhappy. I feel lifeless and the depression is worse. I feel fat and bloated and I have to hold in my stomach all the time. I feel out of breath – I can’t control my body anymore because too many people are stopping me from doing so.

Why won’t they just leave me alone and let me do what I want to do??

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