Firstly, I hope everyone is well and had a lovely Valentine’s weekend
I did have an okay-ish weekend. I worked in the morning which was busy and draining as we had to put two pets to sleep. Going home was kinda shit because mum is drinking again. We had plans to cook dinner for the family (myself, mum, step-dad, brother and my boyfriend) which I was dreading – fajitas (one of my favourites) as well as lots of pudding. I knew that my mood would be kinda crappy all night due to mum’s drinking. I had bought some wine for the table, which mum polished within seconds. My boyfriend sees how easily stressed I get with her which stresses him out. We both kinda went to bed in a silent mood, which was upsetting because he doesn’t deserve me in one of my bad days, ever!!
Anyway, the next day we had plans to go to Arundel (one of my favourite places) I wanted to make it a nice day because we both needed one. I was on and off with him all day – no reason – just my shitty depression taking over and me not having the audacity to sort it out. But I’d had a panic attack before we went out and cried a lot during the day too. Arundel is lovely. It’s so pretty and historic – we went into little shops and I put together a farm-shop-food hamper for my dad’s upcoming birthday. We even went into a brewey and did some wine tasting. We had a lovely walk around the lake and had some lunch in a cafe. I had soup and a small mocha which I really tried to finish without feeling guilty about.
After a long day, we went back to mine but I instantly wanted to go back out to avoid mum. She wasn’t that bad, but I knew she was drinking. We took my dog for a walk before dinner. The wine we had bought when we were out was open by the time we got back. I was so pissed off with her. Firstly, it was rude. Secondly, she just can’t help herself!! I was so worked up that I wanted so badly up harm myself. The only was I knew I could do this without anyone getting suspicious was to eat shit loads of roast dinner and pudding and make myself vomit after. Which is what I did.
Oh boy what a stressful event.
My boyfriend broke into our bathroom to stop me. He found me in a heap of tears on the floor. He was angry, but I think seeing the pain on my face was enough to let it slide. He cuddled me despite me telling him to leave me. I wanted to continue. I was so determined to bring more food up. I did the unthinkable and went to make myself ill in front of him!! I’m such a cow. He instantly grabbed me back and held onto me with such love and passion that I just broke down again.
What he doesn’t know is that I tried to make myself sick while cleaning my teeth and I also took some laxatives before bed.
I know how much he loves me and I love him all the same. I hate putting him through this all the time. But I genuinly think that if anyone is going to save me from myself, then it will be him.
I am so lucky to have him.