hello beautiful people ~ I feel as though I haven’t given a proper update for a while and have just been blogging little snippets of everything. Forgive me if I do on.
The other day one of my colleagues said that I am very ‘British’ in the sense that I’m quite traditional, like to celebrate our holidays, like tea parties and to entertain and love our countryside and National Trust/English Heritage and probably have a more British accent than some (one of the things I detest about myself) but I didn’t take any of this into offense like I usually would have. I think it’s because she was giving me something to live up too, like ‘Hannah you’re like this and you enjoy that and it’s good’ rather than ‘Hannah you’re so bloody British haha it’s hilarious’
I have been very up and down over the last week or so. My depression hasn’t been great, bad thoughts about myself, my life etc. (i.e. am I even worth living for) as well as many panic attacks and constant crying. I’ve not been sleeping well at all and my eating still isn’t great. I’m really trying to push myself to eat but all that’s made me do is eat and buy stronger laxatives to use.
Mum really isn’t helping by her alcohol problem. This week she’s not been horrible at all – more just not there. I don’t feel as though I really have a mum. Not properly, anyway. I don’t feel loved by my mum or step-dad. All I seem to worry about now is my brother and pets while I’m at home. Worrying that if I leave, what will happen to them??
I will be 21 in November and Alex (my brother) will be 18 the day after me – I really want things to pick up for us by then. I don’t want him to have any issues like me or need help like I have later in his life, but can I prevent this?
I’ll admit I have been very stressed lately due to me doing my bedroom up which has been costing me a fair bit (but all worth it hopefully) and I suppose just life in general. I’m doing extra CPD at work which is compulsory and have a maths exam shortly this month otherwise I can’t carry on with my veterinary nursing. And then there is that – becoming a student again!! I have so much to do and think about in such a small amount of time and I’m not in the right mindset at all.
Why cant I go back to being in nursary when I didn’t know what life was then except from Rosie & Jim, Tot’s TV and sand pits.