I’m such a terrible girl to be with, I’m sure. Depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and a lot of generally messed up shit. I can’t cope.
I don’t feel as though I consider my boyfriend’s feelings and side of things enough. He sees the bulk of the issue and I just push it all his way because I’m angry and am just a bad girlfriend in general. I’m not angry at him. He’s done nothing wrong. It’s just because he is there and I am a bitch.
I hate lying to him but I feel like I have too. If I continue to text him the same grumpy, moody, depressing shit all day everyday and give him grief over nothing.. it’s just gonna drive him crazy. And I don’t want that for him.
I’m texting him as though I am happy. I’m actually pretending to be okay. He knows I’m not but I’m just pretending to be having one of my ‘good’ days when in fact I just want to abuse myself by taking laxatives and other things. The less he knows, the better I think. He still just doesn’t get it. I know he tries – but he tells me to ‘relax’ ‘put a film on’ ‘do something you enjoy doing’.. well.. with depression that’s pretty bloody hard to do – let alone even find the motivation to even consider to do.
I know he means well. I love him. I’m so in love with him and that is the only real feeling I know at the moment. But I am pushing him away just for the sake of it now. I’m so ridiculous but I don’t want this for him.