trying to stay positive hasn’t been easy for the last week or so. I’ve been having more thoughts about suicide – not in myself (necessarily) but just in general; About how it works and how your mind tricks you into thinking that’s how life would be better off.
surprise surprise – I’ve gained MORE weight. I’m at this weird stage with my ED that I’m now eating to spite my body. Like saying ‘there you go; that’s what you want. have it. it’s not like my image is going to ever improve anyway. so let’s just get fatter’
But I am still hating myself for it. I am still restricting and punishing. I have just let the depression come out a little more so the ED can take a step back and think about what it’s done. I hate them really. But I also don’t want too.
I probably enjoy feeling like crap. Because if I feel happy, it’s shortly ruined anyway.
the picture of today’s post is a card that was written to the practice. (For those who don’t know, I am a qualified Animal Nursing Assistant (you may sometimes see me refer to myself as an ANA – not to be confused with the term used for pro-ana)) but anyway, I found that the words written were very sweet. I do remember working with the clients and their elderly cat, so it was a sad decision for them to have to make and a sad case I had to be involved in.
Never-the-Less ~ I am trying to hold onto the little piece of positivity that says my work and my ‘nice, normal side’ is recognised. That not everyone does have to see the messed up side of me. That, when I work with my clients and their pets – they just see Hannah, QANA.
so that’s something to hold onto for a while.