When you know you have an ED, it feels a lot harder to actually get on with it as to when you didn’t know. When you didn’t know, and you just thought that your weird behaviour around food was because you were feeling tired or under the weather, life carried on as normal.
Since knowing the struggles I seem to enjoy putting my body through to stay thin and beautiful (when I can even call myself beautiful) I feel like I can’t keep any consistency to my ED. I go through fazes of happily starving myself, feeling weak and light and bony but liking that feeling. And then I go through fazes of binging and purging/abusing laxatives or just not getting rid of the food at all because I’m feeling spiteful and WANT to put on some weight just so I have more to loose.
I would quite happily go back to starving myself and eating just enough to keep myself going through the day, so I don’t have to feel shit about eating and acting out because of it. I want to stop the abusive behaviour but I can’t do that until I have learned to control myself and my body.
I want to stop failing. I want to be beautiful and feel beautiful, but this seems out of reach to me.