Imperfect

I wish that my weight was as low as my self esteem. I wish to have long hair and be thin. I think perhaps I would  be more content with myself.

I consumed so many calories today, and had forgotten to bring my laxatives to work, so went to go and buy some. I was nearly outraged when the till girl wouldn’t sell them to me because I didn’t have ID on me.. since WHEN did you need ID to buy bloody laxatives!? This brought on so many mixed emotions. I was angry and frustrated because I had eaten and couldn’t get rid of the food. I’d already tried purging at work (several times) but nothing came up. Knowing that I would go through the whole day with a fat, bloated stomach brought on something I wasn’t expecting.

I found myself using my nurses’s scissors to cut my thigh. I didn’t draw blood, my scissors are very blunt. But it was a way out. A way of punishing myself for putting my body through food.

I don’t see beauty in me.

I see failure.

I see myself imperfect.

5 thoughts on “Imperfect

  1. I feel that way as well, but I could become emaciated and would still hate myself, hate my body and have no confidence.

    You are not a failure because you gave your body what it needed.

    I hope you feel better! Stay strong:)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Stay strong<3 i'll be here to support you throughout your journey, because i PROMISE you, you will be able to find happiness 🙂

    Like

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