I look better..?

I hated hearing those words at work today. ‘oh! you’re looking better!!’ as if everything is suddenly okay. I’m okay. It was like the fact that I’ve put on 1kg it’s showing. I know it is, and hearing it is worse.

truth be told, I’m not okay. I’m not better.. I’m in a constant spiral of starving my body, binging and purging and abusing laxatives, putting my body through aches and pains and straining my mind and my body so I don’t have to continue to look and feel fat and depressed.

I saw a doctor today about all of this and that I’m concerned about the fact that I might not be absorbing my contraceptive pill and anti-depressant tablet properly. She made me do a pregnancy test (negative) but still has given me an emergency pill to take.

I also found out that I should be receiving a letter from the hospital soon, as my original doctor has referred me to the eating disorder unit as an urgent case. great. hospitals. that’s the one thing I really wanted to avoid. I also have to have a blood test and ECG.

Everything I’m going through and doing and thinking of doing is exhausting. I’m tired and fed up but I can’t find a way out.

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