mixed emotions

today has been an odd day for me.

I got to work with immense hunger, but used water and chewing gum to keep my cravings at bay. I did well and enjoyed working New Year’s Eve despite it being a slow day.

My boyfriend came to meet me for lunch. I was so reluctant to go, but after my line manager had another chat with me and asked me to eat something, I decided to give it a go. She had mentioned that the girls have been catching onto my odd behaviour and are feeling worried about me. I’m fine.. aren’t I??

I had tomatoe pasta and a salted caramel muffin. A whole meal. My body was satisfied although my mind wasn’t.

I have spent the rest of the day dealing with a rapid heart rate, difficulty breathing and a random hot flush. I don’t know if this is my body’s response to food or a panic attack. Either way, I decided to take some more laxatives as I just couldn’t handle the thought of what I actually ate.

I know the things I am doing to myself. I crave for the hunger so I can win with the control. But I know it’s bad. But I can’t stop.

I’ll most likely have a NYE/NY update later xx

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