self abuse

I am living a life of confusion, self-hatred, self-abuse.. every time I ‘try’ to do something that shows I want to get better, I still get bad thoughts that tell me I don’t want to get better and I am fine as I am. And this is why I’m just going through a viscous cycle of depression, anxiety attacks and  eating problems all mixed into one.

Today I am exhausted. I was up in the early hours of this morning with an awful digestive system (i.e. the laxatives had taken affect) as well as when I got to work. I get upset as I wonder if  the cramping, sudden urge to use the toilet, tiredness and nausea of it all.. as well as everything else I am depriving my body and life from.. is all worth it?
Why am I putting my body through this?
‘Because it’s the illness’
‘Because I don’t care enough about myself to get better’
‘Because I am unhappy with myself’

I’m so upset and frustrated with myself for letting this happen, but its not like a light switch that is easy to turn off.

 

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