I’ve been panicking so much about Christmas, that yesterday I had another anxiety binge. I’d rather not go into the food I ate and I really would not like to know how many calories I consumed – but I just broke down last night.
I spent around 25 minutes desperately trying to purge. Nothing came up at all. It was like my body was holding onto the food I had consumed. I gulped down a whole mug of tea to try and enduce vomiting, but it did nothing.
I just sat there, staring at the pan.. I kept crying ‘come on, come on!!’ but nothing would come up. I felt as though I had failed.
I laid back into the radiator and cried. I couldn’t get up, I had exhausted myself. I just sat there and cried, wanting it all to be over.
I have never had really bad thoughts before.. but I wanted another way to take away the pain. A small, dark little shadow swept across my mind and made me think that another form of self-harm would be an easier way to cope.
My mum came in and rescued me in the end. She picked me up from the floor, took me to my bed and sat there while I sobbed. It was the most help I had gotten in a while from her. I think she started to see how desperate I am getting and how much all of this is really straining me.
I am not the model anorexic nor bulimic. I have a mixture of both which is what makes up my eating disorder. It’s so painful and frustrating. As much as I want to not-have them, I am still obessing over my weight that I want to push them, just so I can get a taste of ‘skinny’.