After my hateful Sunday and my ‘I will not eat Monday’ .. fuck sake – I had a few mini chocolates. Its like my brain and my body aren’t coordinating anymore. It took me nearly 20 minutes to purge, but the tiniest amount only came up. I’m begginning to think that my ED is more of an EDNOS.. It’s because I am contantly panicking. The anti-depressants make me a little drowsy and forgetful, so I’m contantly working myself to stay on top. I think that is where the need for food is coming from.
I’ve made myslef aware, that sticking my fingers down my throat – even to bring nothing up – restricts my appetite completely. It makes me feel weak and tired.. but that feeling doesn’t bother me.
I had comments over the weekend about my legs and arms and the fact I’m ‘losing’ weight – I brushed them off, saying I didn’t want to discuss it. But I was secretly happy. I’m craving it even more now. Although I still do not see any change – I still see everything ugly about myself. I feel so fat. I still have this stupid, bloated tummy – and now I’m worrying that the food I have eaten will actually get used up i.e. turn into the fat that my body has been craving these last few weeks.
I’m so tired of going through this contant roller coaster – but I’m not ready to stop.