under pressure

with 4 more sleeps to go, I’m becoming anxious.

I met my dad yesterday for ‘coffee’. I had tea with the tiniest splash of milk (I drink tea strong anyway) but seeing as black tea has been giving me dodgy bowel movements, I decided to go a step further from water. It was okay.. I still felt as though it was a step too far.

I basically explained everything to him. So he knows. I didn’t want him to know.. but he just knew something was going on. And seeing as it’s his year to see us Christmas Day, he was becoming suspicious of my excuses not to go.

Without boring you with the conversation, ‘we’ decided it would be best for me to go to his Christmas Day. I can go once they’ve had the traditional breakfast, take the dog for a walk during dinner and then see how I get on. Seems pretty fair. Just to make him happy, I asked him to buy some natural yoghurt, just in case I decide to eat. We’ll see if I have some.

He seems pretty understanding about the things I told him, but I still felt pressurised to actually do something Christmas Day. I literally just want to sit at home, by myself. I think that’s the depression talking, but I am in no fit state to be sat at someone’s house with the constant pressure and trigger of food that will just be everywhere. What if I have another anxiety attack and binge?? What if it gets too much and want to go home??

I will take the day as it comes.. I will try not to worry. I’m so afraid. I know I shouldn’t let my ED take control. But it is.

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