I don’t understand my ED..

I’m so confused. I don’t have the answers to any of my fucked up questions or how to get them. Can anyone help?

I just had a complete and utter anxiety melt down today. I put a flapjack and some small sausage rolls in my mouth, chewed them, and spat them out.

It wasn’t until later on, the girls were picking up on my ‘abnormal’ eating habits. We all sat around with chocolates and sausage rolls. I tried so hard to get out of the situation but my brain and my body just fell flat and gave in. I gorged on the filthy food. I tried to purge. After 10-15 minutes nothing would come up.

I feel like I have let myself down. I am going for a massive jog to see what I am able to burn off. My stomach has bloated. Great. I feel like utter shit.

9 thoughts on “I don’t understand my ED..

  1. Your body is probably just crying out for the food you’ve been denying it. I know how awful the guilt can feel but compensating is only going to enforce the cycle of behaviour. Try and distract yourself and show yourself some compassion. Don’t let the monster of an ED get to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just feel bad when I give my body what it needs. I know I need food to survive etc. but I haven’t found a way to feel comfortable with eating ‘safe’ foods or how to do it. I’m scared of getting into a food plan right now.


      • Are you seeing a dietician or nutritionist? They can really help really help you with all the food stuff! They can help you find foods that you are more comfortable with and how much to eat so that your body doesnt go crazy. I know its scary, but it gets easier, I promise 🙂


    • I have many. The minute I seem to think I understand, I don’t? I haven’t had any hunger pains. I’ve not eaten in weeks but sometimes my body takes over and it falls straight towards that salmon sanwhich in the fridge and then I ‘want’ more. But I don’t!! I know my body needs good. I haven’t managed to build up the courage or the understanding to look into the foods that I can safely eat. I’m just scared of getting into an eating plan. I feel it’s too early.


      • Your body isn’t going to react the same way each time. And well hunger and starvation is a powerful thing. Something in your brain can override what you/your ED really wants to do. I`m sorry to hear you haven’t eaten in weeks. You don’t necessarily need a eating plan, just a few safe foods. If you’d like I can help you find some.


      • I feel like my emotions are all over the place from this. I’m sorry that you have been through this too – from the advice you’re giving, you’ve come out with some positivity and recovery?? I need to know what I am eat without feeling guilty or without eating too much of it :/


      • I totally understand that. Its am emotional roller coaster, especially when you keep finding new lows. I tried recovery once, but I`m not currently recovering, but I hope that one day I will get somewhat better, probably not anytime soon though. If you like to get eating over quickly and eat small amounts them maybe try protein shakes. You don’t have to drink it all at one time if its too overwhelming for you. For me, its easier to get nutrients/calories from little things and liquids. Also you can make smoothies, which can be made pretty low calorie. Maybe some other things you can eat are berries. broccoli or soup which can be around 60 calories a cup.


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