It’s been made clear this morning, that it is exactly 1 week.. 7 days.. until Christmas morning. Christmas day. Christmas evening.
The day of love and gathering and gift-giving.. and.. eating.
This time last year, the thought of all the food would make my mouth water.. I couldn’t wait. I would be preparing to make a chocolate orange steemed pudding. I would be digging in to the mince pies, chocolate celebration/biscuit boxes.. and looking forward the Christmas day dinner.
What do I do this year? I’m starving my body. I am occassionally binging (regretful) and.. it’s Christmas.
I want to be alone on Christmas, I have decided. At home. On my own. Where I will have no pressure to eat or to make an excuse not to eat. My family will say ‘oh, but surely if you just have a little amount..’ or ‘have some veggies and a little turkey.. that’s healthy!!’ or ‘see how you feel after a small meal. you love your pudding.. you’ll want that!!’ .. yes.. but NO!!
Christmas is triggering. Food is triggering. I can’t stand being around people who are eating. I hate hearing people eat. I hate watching people eat and enjoy it.
Which brings me the my question(s) as stated in the title.. what do I do? What happens if I eat? Do I just consider it as a horrible, regretful, painful binge and go back to the controlling starvation the next day and exercise like hell? Do I purge? Do I act like it is any normal Christmas period and just ‘deal’ with it? Do I see my family or hide away?
I feel alone with this. I’m confused and upset. But I have to have that control. I must.