I thought that I had been doing quite well eating and mood wise. Yes, I still have depression and eating disorder behaviours, but I thought that I had been behaving better with it all. I was happier at home and being nicer to my boyfriend. Nothing quite ruins this mood like seeing your boufriend’s message list.. and seeing that he has recently spoken to another girl. Now I know I probably shouldn’t have jumped the gun so quickly but what else was I meant to do? Extreme concern and jealousy waved over me so I had to find out more. I am not proud that I went onto his private messages and had a look.. I don’t know what I was looking at really. He had sent her some pictures (which wouldn’t show up) that had reminded him of themselves ‘back in the day’ and a few comments later. I proceeded to ‘stalk’ her Facebook and couldn’t believe it.. how stunning she is. I HATED my boyfriend. I felt sick and wanted to cry. We have spoken about it a little.. he’s ‘reassured’ me that she was his best friend from school when he lived I. Wales. I just still can’t shake this feeling of jealousy and hate and despair that he may be up to things.. I felt like cutting last night.

passion

I just want my boyfriend to grab me and kiss me. Put his hands on my cheek, pull me in and kiss me the minute he sees me. Or push me against a wall and lift me up, kiss my neck and make love to me. I miss the passion. I don’t feel it between us as much as what I used too. I feel like we have lost our connection.

Yeah, we kiss and have sex.. but where is the fire in that. The desire to want each other when we’re apart. The thrill when we finally see each other and embrace each other.

Do we just have sex? Or do we make love..? Do we feel the passion for each other still.

I love him. I want everything with him. I want to be his everything.

I am sad that my depression and ED deprives our relationship.

so I don’t know if this is all in my head or its all to do with my depression/ED etc. but I have these intense feelings that my boyfriend just isn’t attracted to me anymore.

here’s why.

1. I have a mental illness

2. I’m hard on him

3. He gets the bulk of my mental illness

4. I’m fat

5. I feel like sex is off the table more i.e. there are small excuses for us not to do things now. like.. he’s tired or a I can sense he is tired or his roommate will hear..

6. He doesn’t kiss me as much

7. He doesn’t say ‘I love you’ as much

8. He doesn’t want to hang out with me?

9. I put on lingerie and it’s just a waste of money

10. He rarely comments me

my list could go on but I don’t want it too. I love him. He is amazing. so why should I moan? Why am I like this? why can’t I control myself? I just feel stupid and desperate.

my illness A – Z

so I feel as though I have really neglected my blog recently. Truth is, I have had little to no enthusiasm to write down how I’m feeling/getting on etc.              Instead, I thought perhaps I would give an overview of my illness/feelings towards myself etc. in A – Z form (I have thought about making a scrapbook like this too)

A ~ anorexia. annoyed. ana. alone. angry. ashamed. anxiety. achy. anti-depressants.

B ~ bulimia. body conscious. behaviour. breathing. bony. blood tests. blood pressure. bullied. BMI. boyfriend. binge.

C ~ cravings. crap at a lot of things. cake. confidence. crying. control. chunky thighs. cold. clothes. collar bones. cutting. calories. carbs.

D ~ depression. diet. die. dry skin. different. distancing. doctors. down.

E ~ EDNOS. eating disorder. eating a lot of cereal. eating too much. eating incorrectly. emotional. early nights. early mornings. Elliot (boyfriend) exercise. emotionless. embarrassing food habits.

F ~ fat. frustrated. food. fasting. fatigue. face. fuuuccckkk. fingers. fit. fainting.

G ~ gaining weight. gigantic thighs. gross. grams (g). gym.

H ~ hiding. hungry. hiding food. hair falling out. healthy. health. headaches. herbal remedies.

I ~ in pain. inappropriate behaviour/attitude. in love. ‘I am..’

J ~ joking. jelly thighs. jelly belly. jogging. jealous.

K ~ killing my body. Kitkat chunky. kilograms (kg).

L ~ laxatives. lying. lingerie. late nights. low self-esteem. love.

M ~ mental health clinics. money wasting. mind. my decision. mental health. mental illness. mia. measurements. medical.

N ~ nausea. no food. NO!! nightmares. numb.

O ~ obedience. omnivore. overweight. overdose.

P ~ purge. podgy. pale skin tone. poorly. pain. painful tummy. pricey habits. pro-ana. pro-mia. panic attacks.

Q ~ questions. quiet.

R ~ ribs. rapid heartrate.

S ~ scales. skinny. sick. sleepy. spots. suicide. Sertraline. skinnytea. slim. size 4-6 (UK sizes) but I’m an 8. stupid. skin. scared. scars. self-harm. sad.

T ~ tired. treatment. thin. thinspo. therapy.

U ~ underweight. ugly. unworthy. undeserving. upset.

V ~ very confused.

W ~ weight. weighing. work. worrying. wrong thinking.

X ~ x-amount of laxatives.

Y ~ yelling. yawning.

Z ~ zero food. zero care. zero calories.

I think that is me pushed into the night. I am supposed to be getting more sleep over my four-day Easter break but I’m not doing so well. And speaking of Easter.. that’ll be left for another time.

two bowls of pasta and a cookie later..

I am so done with trying to get better. I am so done with trying all together. I hate that everyone is fussing and getting involved and texting me and messaging me. I don’t appreciate it. My life would be so much easier if no one knew about my mental illness.

Tonight I purposely pushed my boyfriend to get wound up with me so that I would get wound up just so that I would make shit loads of food and stuff it down my throat just so I could purge, take 10 laxatives and then cover my right thigh in knife cuts.

I feel like utter shit and don’t even care.

Dreaming ED

I had a dream the other night that I was living in a house of people my age, all with EDs. Some like mine and some not.

Everything was a competition. Having an ED, like in real life, seemed like a competition. Who can do the best. Who can look the most malnourished and purge the most and exercise the most. Who can wear those super skinny jeans the best. Who can wear a UK Size 6-8 and it still be too big..

In my dream, everyone was bullying me and laughing at me for doing the worst. I wasn’t doing my ‘job’ as a young adult with an eating disorder. I was doing well.

Is that not meant to make me happy? Am I not meant to praise myself for having a positive dream about getting better and not caring about what others think?

Because truth is, I’m still not ready to get better. I don’t want to let go of my ED even though I know the strain it puts on my life. I want to hold onto the depression and let my brain and body crave the mental illness, just because.

I am tired and I wish I could answer my own questions and weird thoughts. But I can’t.